::tries to sit still and type the godangit review::

::fails miserably::

::screams in frustration::

I used to agree with that one critic who said that bad movies are so much easier to review than good ones, because humans are born masters of criticism. Now, I don't, because I'm trying to list for you elaborate details as to why the movie failed, but as of now all I can say about it is: IT SUCKED!!!!!

::runs around room 50 times::

::eats 10 tacos::

::has an XF marathon::

Ok, I'm back, ready to ravage this movie to death. First two hours. Nothing. Nilch. You can tell I'm really bored by a movie when I start to fidget in my seat and check my watch. Not even my second "Alien: Resurrection" viewing (don't ask) did that to me. Man, do we really need to see the Jackal buy a friggin' weapon for two hours??? Do we really need to listen to those awful Russian accents?? (In contrast, Richard Gere's Irish accent was pretty good, actually.) The answer is, of course, no--it would be tolerable if this was, say a two-part NBC sweeps tv movie which always ends up boring the first hour. I was sitting in the theater, waiting for the "second part" to start already. But no, this is a movie, marketed as an "action thriller." Where's the action? Where are the thrills? For the better half of the movie, all we really get is Bruce Willis looking all tough and smug and wow, he changed a lot of costumes. And when the time came for the movie to finally produce some good, meaningful, not-time-filling dialogue--namely, when Decklyn (sp? grumble what kind of a name is that??) talks to Sidney Poitier's FBI agent about Valentino (uh.....)--all they can come up with is "good guys don't hide"??? Thanks, but no thanks. Oh, and we could really do without that last scene. . .

Staying true to my belief that every film has its merits, I have to say that is still true for this movie--probably the worst I've seen this year. The music's great. The acting's okay--in fact the emotional scenes are actually better than the action ones. The opening sequence was pretty good (I'm seriously thinking about eliminating a sentence like this from my future movie reviews--seems every movie has a stunning sequence nowadays....now, if they could only extend the beauty longer...). BUT. All that still doesn't save the movie from ending up in my trash can. Overall, it was poorly written, predictable, too John Wooish without true Woo spice and color.

RATING: D+ (First viewing, 11/28/97)

*Man, it was hard being harsh! I'm not normally this mean. :) Well, guess you have to start SOME TIME.